The Diary of Hermione Granger
by inwonderland
Summary: AU - Hermione Grangers thoughts from 5th Year onwards. What she's really thinking beneath her goody two shoes exterior and how does she react to being the driving force behind the Boy Who Lived? HGRW, HGSS, HPDM Romance not til late chapters.
1. This is My Life

The Diary of Hermione Granger  
  
This Is My Life  
  
June 21st  
  
Well yesterday my mother presented me with this diary, saying that every teenage girl needs something or someone to confide in. At least it's a Muggle diary, I don't like Wizarding ones after the ordeal with Riddles diary a couple of years ago. I wasn't sure if I would use it, as I'm not fantastic at writing my feelings down, but I decided to give it a go. My name is Hermione Granger, I'm 15 years old, 16 in September. I am the eldest in my year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Yes, shock horror, I'm a witch. I don't have a boyfriend, Victor is only a friend, no matter what Ron thinks. He's 18 for Gods sake, that's illegal I think... hmm I'll find out. Anyway, I don't have a boyfriend, never have had a boyfriend and don't see myself having a boyfriend in the foreseeable future.  
  
My best friends are Harry James Potter and Ronald Joseph Weasley. Harry, bless his cotton socks, is the most adorably innocent human being ever. He has the potential to be absolutely, mind blowingly gorgeous in a few years time when he's grown out of his weedy stage. He had really black hair, emerald eyes and lightly tanned skin. Ron is very lanky and foul-mouthed. He had bright red hair, bright blue eyes and freckles. He's rather plain, but in a somewhat endearing way.  
  
I don't have any girl friends really, Ginny, Ron's sister, I suppose. But shes in the year below and 2 years younger in age, and that makes an awful lot of difference at this age. Parvati and Lavender are my roommates at Hogwarts, and are joined at the hip. Plus they actually like and believe Professor Trelawny?! I have to admit though, Lavender is very nice when she's not with Parvati. Parvati isn't. She's spiteful and gets jealous easily, which is why noone else really talks to Lavender. Feel sorry for her really.  
  
I figure noone else will read this, so why not be honest? Brutal at that? There is no reason to be nice; I have to be that all the time, it's expected, so I'm not going to give up this chance to bitch, and I'm going to do it to my hearts content thank you very much. Although I have a feeling that I could do so with Harry. If I swore in front of them, Ron would faint, and Harry would just raise an eyebrow and listen. Language doesn't seem to phase him from anywhere. Harry may be innocent but he knows more swear words than a drunk ... bugger I can't remember the phrase is it Irish man or Scotsman? Never mind, he hears it from his Uncle, a bigger bastard I've never met. They are so mean to him, locking him in his room, feeding him less than a hamster. God, it sounds, as if I have a crush on him doesn't it? I don't. He's my best friend. I hope he's OK. He has been so quiet for the last few weeks, it was all because of that bloody Tri- wizard Tournament. Sometimes it strikes me just how young Harry really is. Like I said before, my birthday is in September, and his is at the very end of July, putting 11 months between us. He's the youngest (and shortest) in our year. I really do hope he's OK. I'll have to write to him. Everything always seems to happen to Harry. Ron didn't help at all last year. He had a point about being in Harry's shadow, but he could hardly blame it all on Harry. He didn't want any of this to happen, I know he'd give it all up for his parents back. I remember his face at the announcement of the Tri-wizard contestants. He went so pale and looked so shocked. Me and Ron should have know there and then that he didn't do anything. I came to my sense quickly, but Ron, he took months. I know Harry missed him – he had noone to talk to about Quidditch and I know I did as well. Suprisingly.  
  
I wonder what will happen this year. Something always happens, every year. But that doesn't stop me wishing it wouldn't. I don't know if Harry, Ron and I will get through it all again unscathed.  
  
July 22nd  
  
I'm going to the Burrow today. My parents decided it would probably be safer in the Wizarding world. Not entirely sure if I agree, but it'll be good to see Ron again. Harry isn't going I don't think. Dumbledore won't let him yet, although his letters indicate how bored and desperate he is to be away from his relatives. He'll be here soon though. The Burrow itself is definitely safe, Dumbledore has had extra wards put on, seen as the Weasleys are such a prominent family against Voldemort. Not sure about the rest of the world though. But at least there haven't been any killings. Yet.  
  
Have arrived at Rons. Nice to be back here. Ron looks good, must have grown a couple of inches since I last saw him, as well as his hair looks redder and he has more freckles. Must be the sun. I love this house. I'm staying with Ginny like normal. Ginny is very sweet, but very young. There's something in her eyes though, she's not innocent, far from it. The incident with Riddle seriously affected her, and she isn't over it yet. Doubt she ever will be. Not something you ever forget is it? She still has nightmares about the Chamber of Secrets, like Harry does, although he hasn't had one about the Chamber in a while I don't think. She still has a humungous crush on Harry. I know he doesn't feel the same way, I don't think he ever will. He sees her as more of a sister than a prospective girlfriend. Sooner she realises this the better, as she can actually become friends with him then. He tends to avoid her at the moment as he thinks it's too awkward.  
  
I'm going to have to go and help Ron with his homework soon. As much as he would love to do it on the way to Hogwarts on the train (like last year) I won't let him. No offence but his work isn't the best when he's concentrating, it's complete and utter crap when he's trying to fit 5 or 6 essays into the space of a few hours. Was very surprised to find out from Harry that he has done his as he had nothing better to do. I said I'll check them when he comes here, but Harry's work is usually good when he concentrates. He just doesn't do it often enough. I'll have to get them to study harder, we have OWLS this year to prepare for, and I can't – won't let either of them fail. Even Divination.  
  
July 30th  
  
Harry is coming to the Burrow today. Dumbledore has finally relented – took him bloody long enough and Remus has gone to pick him up and drop him off here. We have seen him a lot in the last week or so, and have been told to call him Remus. He's not coming back to teach this year, but he said if the law changes he will. Will have to add that to list of things to do, after freeing the house elves. I am determined to do something no matter how stupid Harry and Ron think it is. I think Harry will be easier to wear down than Ron will so I will talk to him when he gets here, about advancing it.  
  
Harry's here. Seems different. Friendlier. Flirtier. This is what we said when he came in;  
  
*hugged me * "Hey 'Mione." *kisses me on cheek *  
  
*I blush. Harry never kissed me before, what was I supposed to do? * "Hi Harry. You look good."  
  
"You too 'Mione. Very pretty. Your hair looks different. Very stylish. " *winks at me *  
  
"Er... well... thanks Harry. You too..."  
  
*he laughs and hugs me again *  
  
Now this is not typical Harry behaviour. He normally blushes when I hug him, and he hates having compliments sent at him. And he never gives people compliments. It's just how Harry is. And he winked at me!! I didn't think I'd ever see Harry wink at anyone at all, ever in my life. But... its just seems normal for him. It suits him, being happy and flirty. I like this new happy Harry. I hope he stays. Harry really does look good. A lot healthier. He looks a lot more tanned – outside work he tells me, he looks taller by at least two inches – a growth spurt he shrugs, his hair looks tamed – about time he laughs, I haven't had it cut since I was eleven. Hmm...  
  
OK, just looked through Harry's photo album. It official, instead of looking like James Potter, he looks like Lily. He has her nose and high cheekbones, and wavy hair. Never knew Harry had wavy hair, it was always too short to tell. His father had a tan, so Harry must have inherited James' skin complexion as Lily had very pale skin. Obviously has green eyes courtesy of Lily as well.  
  
Well I'm just glad he hasn't been starved bless him. Ahh he's just come in.  
  
He's gone. Nosy bastard, was Harry always that nosy? Hmmm... I dunno what happened to him this summer. Although I do prefer happy, perky, nosy Harry to depressed, stressed, pissed Harry. He says to me, "'Mione, I hope your going to put a Page Transparency Charm on that diary, you never know who's gonna have a little peek." I told him in no other words to sod off, and he laughs and says, "Oh dinner's ready." Then he walks away. How he knows that charm I dunno as it's NEWT level, so he must have been reading... hmm... I'll ask him. Also must hide diary from Harry.  
  
July 31st  
  
Harry's birthday. Given him present I bought last month, a t-shirt. He kissed me again. I blushed. Ron gave him a Chudley Cannons poster, why I don't know he supports the Monrose Magpies, Ginny gave him a pendant, he kissed her too, she blushed, Molly and Authur gave him a hand on the clock, and he hugged them both and gave Molly a kiss on both cheeks. She blushed. Harry seems very affectionate. A good thing mind you. Sirius and Remus are visiting later, they've been staying at Remus' cottage. Got a feeling they're "together" but I don't know, they haven't said anything. Wonder if Harry knows.  
  
Sirius and Remus have gone, its very late, but I needed to write something first. They've been visiting Harry in the holidays so he doesn't get too depressed, and they gave him a stack of books apparently, and as he was so bored, he actually read and understood the stuff in them. Am very impressed, but it looks like I have competition. About time, getting top of the year every year is crap without someone to compete with. Malfoy is the nearest I suppose.  
  
I think Harry's new affectionate nature has only fuelled Ginny's crush, she was blushing for nearly an hour after he kissed her. God it was completely platonic, but still... he's not interested. Am thinking it's unnerving Ron, I think he's afraid Harry might try and kiss him. Not likely as far as I know. Interesting thought though. Hmm...  
  
Anyway, we're going to Diagon Alley tomorrow, and I think we're meeting some of the 'old crowd' after that. Should be good, we (me and Harry) haven't met many older wizards who aren't Professors or ex-convicts. Should be very educational, I'd love to meet an Auror, I've got absolutely loads of questions... God I can't wait!! Oh mental note, get Harry to buy Hogwarts, A History tomorrow, I need someone to discuss it with. There are some very conflicting ideas, I need to discuss with someone that's interested. Oh and try to persuade Ron not to spend all his money on the Dungbombs he's been planning to buy.  
  
A/N Hmm... what do you think? This is going to go up to an R rating in the end I guarantee. There also will be slash a bit later, language and sexual situations. Ha ha! Review please!! 


	2. New Friends

New Friends  
  
August 2nd  
  
Well yesterday we went to Diagon Alley, straight after the letters came. I'm a Prefect!! So's Ron. He looked so proud, and I think Harry was actually happy for him. He's Harry Potter, he honestly does get a lot of privileges that noone else does anyway. But he would have made a great Prefect. But so will Ron. It must have been a hard choice for them to make. Am very surprised it wasn't Harry though. I really thought it would be – no offence to Ron or anything.  
  
Harry bought Hogwarts, a History and promised to read it as well. He actually got quite a few books that he didn't need, I'm quite impressed. And he promised to let me read them and never to ask Ron to read them.  
  
Fred and George disappeared into the alley for hours. Harry had a funny smirk on his face when they went, I should think he knows what's going on, he normally does. I bought some new robes and so did Harry. Thank God we don't need dress robes this year. I mean I liked the ball, but I don't think I could be assed to go through all that preparation and hassle again this year.  
  
Malfoy was in Diagon Alley as well, with a Slytherin boy... Blaise Zambini I think his name is. He's got black hair, verging on red and brown, and brown eyes. He's quite tall. He's actually very handsome now I think about it. Well they didn't come and approach us, Malfoy just gave Harry a funny look, as if he wasn't sure about something, and Blaise just sneered at Ron. At least they didn't try to start a fight, Ron would pummel them, he's too hot headed for his own bloody good. I don't know what Harry would do.  
  
Anyway Mrs Weasley introduced us to an Auror who was there picking something up. Her name was Nymphadora Tonks. She was really funny, and she's a Metamorphmagus!! I've never met one before, she's really fascinating, she knows loads of magic. Harry was flirting loads with her, she's not that much older than us, only 5 or 6 years. Quite funny really, as she was flirting back. Ron was looking at Harry as if he'd grown two heads. I don't think he's ever seen Harry quite so charming. Tonks is very clumsy though and she spilt ice cream all over Harry, which made him swear very loudly, and the entire street turned and looked at him. But he still wasn't embarrassed, he just shrugged it off and ordered her another ice cream. Not typical Harry behaviour.  
  
All in all it was a good day, and in a week we're going somewhere to meet some more people. Don't know what, where, who or when really, but it should be good.  
  
August 10th  
  
Oh my God, you'll never guess where Harry, Ron, Ginny and me have been for the last 24 hours. Well Mr and Mrs Weasley and the twins came too. We're at Sirius' house!! It's the Headquarters to a resistance group against You Know Who, called the Order of the Phoenix. The house is nice, they have been restoring it since You Know Who came back. Sirius hates it, he didn't have the best childhood here apparently.  
  
There are loads of people here all the time, people coming form places, delivering things... to be honest I haven't a clue in hell what these people are doing, but they're helping the Light side, and that's all I really need to know. Although I would like details. Tonks is here at the moment. She's so clumsy though, you'd think she was jinxed or something!! The real Mad Eye Moody is here as well, he's even more paranoid than the one we knew. Harry is very wary around him, he was the one who 'kidnapped' him straight after he appeared from the graveyard.  
  
Sirius and Remus aren't here very much though. Sirius really hates this house, and not many people know he's innocent anyway. I think Harry's a bit pissed Sirius won't stay here, but I think he understands in some respect after the crappy time he has at the Dursleys. Ron's a bit miffed I think, I don't think he realised that Sirius was from a predominantly Slytherin house, rich purebloods, and with a lot of Death Eaters as well. He hates pompous pureblood families, mostly after seeing how Malfoy is most of the time. I think this a bit prejudiced really, Sirius is great, and he comes from a pureblood family. Hell, the Weasleys are pureblood anyway, totally hypocritical.  
  
August 12th  
  
Hmm... am very very confused. Need to talk to Harry. Dumbledore just came an hour ago and took Harry to speak to him on his own. No idea what he said but it pissed him off big time, and he stormed out, slammed the door and Flooed to Sirius and Remus' for the rest of the day. When Dumbledore came out, he looked older than I've ever seen him before, and he looked very sorry for himself. Must have been bad news I reckon. Doesn't look like anyone knows what it was about. They're all as confused as me and Ron.  
  
August 13th  
  
Oooh Friday 13th, day of bad luck. Well, Harry came back a couple of hours ago. He looked a hell of a lot better than when he stormed off. But he's still a moody bastard. Hasn't told us what's wrong. He said (in a very sarcastic voice), "It is confidential information, only to be released when it is deemed necessary." Then he proceeded to call Dumbledore a range of names, I don't think even Charlie or Bill Weasley could have come up with. So Dumbledore has told Harry something he can't tell us, but he wants to tell us, and has something to do with Gryffindor, as he kind of let it slip. Will do some research on the history of Gryffindor in the Black Library, just to make sure. There is a very impressive library here; it's almost as big as Hogwarts, even though half of the books are Dark Arts related.  
  
August 20th  
  
Very boring week. Found absolutely zilch on Gryffindor that clues me to the Harry situation. There's a load of crap about a big fight Gryffindor had with Slytherin like 1000 years ago, and a load of prophecies about an heir, but there is noone by the name Gryffindor anymore so I guess the line must have died out. Crap, as he – or she – could have helped with the You Know Who situation. Anyway, am looking forward to going to Hogwarts, as there will be more books I can look at. I HATE not knowing what's going on. May have to resort to bribery, on my part against Harry. Not to self, find blackmail material.  
  
Not much else has happened. There's an endless stream of people here all the time, I don't think I've ever seen so many people in one house!! Anyway, I've looked over the boys homework, Harry's was suprisingly good, and Ron's wasn't... bad. The Care of Magical Creatures was actually really good, I never knew Ron was so good at it. Harry's best piece was Defence Against the Dark Arts, he had some information I didn't have!! He will definitely pass with an O at OWL Level. They're the Muggle equivalent of GCSE's. Fred and George are taking their NEWTS this year, they're supposed to be really hard. They're like A Levels, you only take 5, and you take 4 A Levels.  
  
Anyway, only a week and a bit until we go to Hogwarts!! Woo hoo!!  
  
August 23rd  
  
Tonks is so great!! Me and Ginny just spent the day with her, and we had so much fun. I've never been one of the girls, gossiping, eating ice cream and that, but it was so much fun. We're gonna have to do it again. Hell, I'm in such a great mood, I would even consider doing it at Hogwarts. With Lavender and Parvati of course. Harry and Ron may be my best friends, but honestly they're such boys, and boys do not understand the pleasures of chocolate ice cream like girls do. Well I should think some boys do. But Harry and Ron do not.  
  
As I suspected Ginny still fancies Harry, she admitted it. Actually Harry and Ron were the topic of conversation most of the time. For example, "Oh I do like this new, flirty Harry. He's so funny," (Ginny) and "Ron's starting to look a lot like Charlie isn't he?" (Me and Tonks – Tonks likes Charlie a bit apparently. Confidential information though. Ssshh!!). Bless Ginny though, I really don't think she's ever going to have a chance with him.  
  
August 30th  
  
Going back to Hogwarts tomorrow. I'm gonna miss it here, I really like this house, but I will be glad to get back to Hogwarts. I need to get to the library, I still need to do some more research on Gryffindor, Harry hasn't said anything else yet, despite Ron bugging him all of the time and me subtly hinting that I would like to know. Fuck that, I've been bugging him just as much, I haven't got a subtle bone in my body, thank you very much.  
  
Anyway, I've been thinking. I'm nearly 16 yes? Only two weeks til I am, and I haven't had a boyfriend. Ever. At all. I'm gonna be legal so very soon and I've never been kissed. Isn't that illegal or something? It should be. It's not that I even want a boyfriend, I reckon I'd be complete and utter crap at a relationship, I just wanna know what it's like. Is that wrong? Well if its is, sue me, as that's how I feel. There's not even anyone I fancy. There has obviously been boys I've fancied. I liked Terry Boot, a boy in my Arithmancy class, but nothing happened. Victor was just a friend, nothing happened, and I didn't fancy him anyway. Ron was right, he was a bit grouchy. Not that I'd ever admit that to him. But ... he was right. I actually had a crush on Ron for a while, at around Christmas last year, I went to the ball with Victor to make Ron jealous, not that worked, so I let it go. Fuck, you don't just let something like that go do you? OK, so we have established... I fancy Ron. Oh my God. Never admitted that before. God help me now.  
  
September 2nd  
  
We're at Hogwarts!! Yay!! I miss Hogwarts when I'm not here, no matter where I am. It's like a second home to me. The journey here was strange, no normal visit from Malfoy. Maybe he finally grew up. Hopefully. Maybe Ron will follow – just because I fancy him doesn't mean I won't point out his flaws. He has plenty... no bad Hermione.  
  
Anyway, there has been 4 new girl and 3 new boys sorted into Gryffindor. All seem very nice, little kids. Very little. Were we ever that little? We probably were. OK, I remember Harry being that small, he was that small for years. They're a bit intimidated by our Boy Who Lived really. Who is already exploiting said position as Saviour of the World, *just* because he can. Honestly, I don't know what's gotten into him. The girls seem to like it though, there's even more girls hanging round him than ever. Just in little gangs, watching him. He's no fucking better though, flirting with them and winking. Next time he does it, he's gonna get slapped round the back of the head. Ron's pissed off by it already, and I've already noticed him being distant. I'll have to talk to him.  
  
Oh, and I haven't found anything on Gryffindor yet. Will continue looking. Harry knows I'm looking though, as he's seen me looking through books at breakfast, a habit I really should get out of as it seems to piss people off. So what if I study best early in the morning. Do they care? Not one bit. Maybe if I beg I might get a hint. Hmmm...  
  
September 3rd  
  
Harry is a git. Ron just told me and Harry that he liked Lavender, and an hour later Harry sits there in Transfiguration flirting with her, very blatantly. As if he's trying to prove something. Must look into that. Felt very sorry for Ron, even though it means I'm feeling the same as him. He's brooding over her, I'm brooding over him. What a mess. Is everyone's life this fucked up? Studying, that'll take my mind off of it. That's what I'll do. Fill my life with plenty else, and I'll forget about Ron. God, fantastic plan, don't you think? 


	3. School

School  
  
September 5th  
  
Talked to Harry about Lavender. He has apologised to Ron, who forgave him and went back to brooding over her, as he found out that she fancied Seamus. That was apparently what Harry was finding out. You see Harry's eyebrow twitches when he lies, and it was fucking hopping on his face when he told us this. I think he was just doing it to tease Ron. Harry's such a bastard sometimes.  
  
New Defence teacher today. We had her 2nd lesson. She was OK... I suppose. Actually she was bad. Her name was Professor Silverlake. I highly doubt she'll last longer than the year. She just didn't put her heart in it, and in these dark times, we really need an enthusiastic teacher who really wants us to be able to protect ourselves. I think that we might have to do something outside class. Harry mentioned it this morning. I was surprised, him offering to do extra work. But he needs it. Nearly every year he comes face to face with some form of Voldemort, so he needs to be able to protect himself. Oooh ooh...  
  
I Hermione Anne Granger hereby declare that I will do all in my power to prepare Harry James Potter for his confrontation with Voldemort.  
  
Am working on filling my time with other things, and me and Harry have decided to work on the Animagus transformation. We'll ask Ron as well, but it's always either the three of us, or Ron and Harry, I don't talk to Harry much on his own. Hmm... I'll have to remedy that I think. I'll go and talk to him now actually.  
  
September 7th  
  
Was Harry always that funny? I mean Harry obviously always had a sense of humour, but it... he seems different. His sense of humour has become a lot more sarcastic and dry. Like I said, I decided to have a nice ickle chat with Harry while Ron was doing family stuff with Ginny and the twins. No idea what they do in those two hours once a week. They never tell a soul.  
  
Anyway, I got to know Harry a lot better last night, it was great. I am really looking forward to doing it again actually. Now, no offence to Harry at all, but I can talk to him like I can talk to Ginny and Tonks. He's just so easy to talk to...  
  
He wouldn't tell me anything about Gryffindor though. I think he wants to though, it all seems to be getting to him a bit.  
  
September 8th  
  
Oh bloody hell!! Harry was flirting with McGonagall. He forgot his homework somehow, and he charmed his way out of it. I didn't think it was possible. She looked quite flattered. As long as he doesn't try that with Snape I think he's safe!!  
  
As soon as the class ended everyone in the room – including the Ravenclaws we share with burst into convulses of laughter. Harry just stood there looking quite indignant, but he thought it was hilarious as well, you could just tell. He was smirking – I didn't know Harry smirked. Ron looked so cute when he was laughing he gets these cute little wrinkles near his eyes... oh God. Shoot me, shoot me now.  
  
September 11th  
  
It's my birthday tomorrow! I heard Harry reminding Ron. I'm quite insulted really. Hmm.  
  
Shit, I didn't write it did I? Harry had a vision last night. A nightmare, or something. We aren't sure. He saw something, that he hadn't seen before, a Death Eater meeting. He saw it through Voldemorts eyes. He looked so upset, and depressed. He woke the dorm up with his screaming, I felt so sorry for him. He went to tell Dumbledore this morning, but didn't tell us what happened yet. I know he doesn't want to worry us, but we feel a lot safer knowing all the facts. I really do hope he's OK.  
  
September 12th  
  
What a great day!! Harry and Ron gave me their gifts this morning before we went to breakfast. Harry gave me this really sweet chain with a heart on. Must have had help on picking it, the boys usually have crap taste in presents, either that or he gained a new sense of style this summer with his new attitude. Ron gave me some chocolates – a big box, of grown up chocolates, not Chocolate Frogs. I feel so old!! Harry's only just 15 and now I'm 16. Ron's 16 in March, so we're evenly spread out through the year.  
  
Mum and Dad sent me a couple of Muggle reference books I had asked for, there was one on yoga (can't believe I got up the nerve to ask for that, I felt so strange asking for it, but surprisingly they just nodded and smiled. Parents really aren't as bad as we think they are. At least mine aren't.), oh and another book on Muggle folk lore and myths. Also some new jeans (a bit flared as my ass is too big for me to wear drainpipes), a new top (black, three quarter length sleeves and a low cut v neck (just need to get some cleavage now)) and two pairs of shoes. Did I mention my shoe fetish? I love shoes. Only Harry, Ginny and Ron know, as the other girls would want to borrow them. Ginny is amazed. She thinks I'm mental. "Why would anyone need 30 pairs of shoes?" she asks. I have no answers. I just love shoes, and have great taste when it comes to mine. May sound big headed but it's true. I bring all my shoes to school, shrunk with a charm, so I can have loads of pairs here and have them not take up much room. Well I got this pair of black stilettos with bows on and a flat pair with a buckle. Very nice, I wanted them for ages.  
  
Oh, and Harry decided to show his delightful sense of humour again, and gave me a book on contraceptive charms and a box of condoms. I don't think I want to know where he got them, so I'm not going to ask. I'm going to plan something even worse to get him. Honestly, boys can't live with them, can't live without them.  
  
September 15th  
  
Harry is so stupid. A Ministry official came earlier, and began talking to Harry. Stupid idea in itself as Harry is a bit weird really. But then she said he was lying about Voldemort coming back. So he decided to engage in a nice shouting match in front of the entire school before storming off and slamming the doors very loud. Actually the scene in the Great Hall was hilarious, we're all sitting there watching Harry and Umbridge (bitch from Ministry, hereby known as Umbitch) argue. No one has ever seen Harry that mad, except after he yelled at Dumbledore at Sirius'. And that was only me and Ron. So, sitting there, a bit scared as Harry is scary when angry, his eyes go really bright green, and he seems to glow with magical energy a bit, and he tells her to piss off and slams the doors very, very hard and they nearly come off the hinges. Then there's a loud scream and the sound of about 20 suits of armour falling over like dominoes. Ron burst out laughing, I was a bit scared really, but I still laughed at him. Dumbledore and the rest of the teachers looked quite impressed as I got the impression they all wanted to yell at her like that. Hufflepuffs cringed, Ravenclaws scowled, Gryffindors laugh and the Slytherins look impressed. Absolutely fantastic. Only Harry could make the school come together over yelling at a Ministry official...  
  
September 16th  
  
Well Harry's cooled off now, thank God. Got himself two months of detention but he thinks it was worth it. Ron's pissed at him because he won't be able to play Quidditch and he's trying out this year. The rest of the school think he's great and keep congratulating him. Harry just seems to smirk at them, tell them that they'll have his temper at them if they don't believe him, that Voldemort is back, and then tells them to go away.  
  
He hasn't had anymore nightmares, so we are assuming it was actually a nightmare and nothing more. Ron's surprised me. He seems a lot more interested in CoMC. He told me he wants to be a dragon tamer or something similar when he leaves Hogwarts. I'm impressed. Seriously I am. I never knew what he's planned on doing after school, and he's so focused now, he's actually researching something he likes when I sit down and research Gryffindor and Harry does... what ever Harry does. Told me it was spells to enhance sex but he was taking the piss. I think. God I hope he was. Eugh. Also I was a bit disturbed at what he said he wanted to be after school, "Er... Mione... what makes you think I'll live that long?" So I hit him, and we decided to start on the extra stuff we begun planning. Oh and we told Ron about the Animagus thing as well. He was pissed we didn't tell him, but said he wanted to do it. Harry promised he'd research that tomorrow. Am so glad someone else is interested in books, I get a bit bored of being the smart one of the three of us. Sometimes. Harry's the brave one, Ron's his sidekick and I'm the brains. Doesn't sound particularly good, but that's how we work best. Harry hasn't enough strategy to do much else except be the brawn, and Ron hasn't the patience... or brains if I'm honest. God I'm a bitch. And this is the boy I fancy? Watch out the rest of humanity.  
  
September 17th  
  
We got our Potions essays back today, the ones we did over the summer holidays. It was on the uses of blood in Potions. Any kind of blood, unicorn, human, elf, anything. It was to be 10 parchments long at least, seen as it was over nearly 3 months.  
  
Ron didn't do very well. He never does. Bless him, he's bad at Potions. There are just no remedies for him. Hopefully he'll be better in the OWLS, without Snape, the great black bat looming over him. I can help in the theory part obviously. Ron got a P. Standing for Poor. I'll have to get him up to at least an Acceptable. I got an EE. I thought to start with that this was really good, seen as we've got a year left and then we take our OWLS, so I should be getting an O then. But then I saw Harry's. He must have been really bored over the holidays. He got an O. He wrote about potions I had never heard about. And he wrote about the one he had first hand experience with, the one used at the re-birth ceremony. And he wrote about veelas, unicorns and elves as well. The elves bit was really interesting; I want to find out more about them. But he got an O. And I could tell it really pained Professor Snape to give him that, he had a sour look on his face and he gave Harry a week of detention for breathing too loud. So now he's still got another two months to go, including the time he got for yelling at Umbitch. Oh God, if he keeps getting grades like he is at the moment I might have to ask him to be my study partner. I won't tell him the real reason obviously, but Harry, bless him is easy to manipulate. All boys are if I'm honest, you just need to know how to treat them. Poor buggers.  
  
A/N I just wanna warn you that there will be slash in this and there will be... student teacher relationships, for after Hogwarts. Yep. Definitely. Anyone wanna guess? One will involve Harry and Hermione the other... any guesses? 


	4. Explaining

Explaining  
  
September 21st  
  
Had another lovely chat with Harry today. After his detention of course. It wasn't too bad apparently today, he had McGonagall, who hated Umbitch, so she didn't mind him yelling at her. He just graded a few papers then he was let out an hour later. Ron is with Ginny, Fred and George somewhere, doing family stuff again. Anyway. We talked about Harry's summer.  
  
He's decided he wants to be in control of his own life. He doesn't want anyone to be running it for him. He thinks that he might as well live his life to the fullest before Voldemort kills him. (At this, I told him he was stupid, and that we'd start training tomorrow. We will. I've already researched a load of spells for us to learn) He doesn't want to do what's expected of him, he wants to shock people. He's accepted that Cedric dying wasn't his fault, thanks to Sirius and Remus' visits in the holidays. Am very glad as I expected him to be all depressed and that, but he's not. He's going to try and do something about it, he's made it his duty to not let anyone else – or as few people as possible die because of him. Well not because of him, just because he hasn't killed Voldemort. I haven't got a clue where he's got it into his head that it's his job, but he has. So we need to make sure he doesn't get himself killed when he's on this hero's mission.  
  
Ron came back when we were in the middle of doing our Defence homework on the uses of hexes. It wasn't due for another week so we decided to go and find a room we could practise in. We couldn't use the Transfiguration room like we did for the Tri-Wizard tournament as we don't – or Harry doesn't want anyone to know. Don't have a clue why, but I'd wager it was because of his rebellious kick at the moment.  
  
Anyway, we were looking for hours, under Harry's cloak of course, and with the map, which Harry had stolen back from Moody's office at the end of last year. Then Harry goes 'Oh!' and hurries us off to the seventh floor opposite a tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. We walked down the corridor three times, then a door appeared, and it was perfect. Harry wouldn't tell us how he found it, and it's not on the map. It's probably one of these things he does in the evenings when he won't tell us where he is. I bet he goes around looking for things like this the daft sod... Anyway. Dumbledore knows about the room, he mentioned it to Harry last year, so it's OK.  
  
We decided we'd practise there. But I have an idea. And I don't think Harry will agree... but I'll ask. Maybe I can bribe him. That could work.  
  
September 23rd  
  
Our first session went wickedly. We just reviewed stuff we learnt last year for the tournament – and that was about 40 spells. I wrote up a list so we'd know what we learnt as well. Ron snorted at me, but I don't think there's anything wrong with being organised. I'm going to go and talk to Harry about my... idea. I hope he doesn't over react.  
  
He over reacted. He actually looked like he was going to spontaneously combust. He didn't but he was very close. I suggested that maybe he could help other people with Defence seen as he's so good at it (I was feeding his ego). He opened and closed his mouth like a gold fish for a minute, before he asked me if I was mad. Then he stormed off to the library.  
  
I won't mention it for a while, but I'm not going to just let this go. I think he'd be a wicked teacher, and that everybody would really appreciate it. God knows we need to know how to defend ourselves in this day and age.  
  
September 27th  
  
Not much has happened recently. I haven't mentioned my plan. Ron has decided he fancies Megan Jones, as Lavender is now going out with Seamus. Megan is a Hufflepuff. A blonde Muggleborn Hufflepuff. She has bug boobs, is really skinny and no brain. I think she's as near to the bottom of the end of year list as Ron is. This is the academic list that comes out at the end of every year. Harry is usually half way between the top and the middle, and Ron is half way between the bottom and the middle. I am usually first. Don't mean to seem big headed, but it's true. Malfoy is always second.  
  
Thinking of Malfoy, I haven't seen him recently. He hasn't been bugging us at all. He just hangs around and goes to class. And now I think about it, he doesn't even hang about with Goyle, Crabbe and Parkinson anymore. He's usually with Blaise Zambini, Theodore Nott, Tracey Davis and Daphne Greengrass. Bulstrode seems to hover between the two groups. Everything is getting more political all over school. Cliques and groups are forming, and people are separating themselves. We need to all unite as one if we want to win in this war. And I think that Harry is the one who can bring them all together.  
  
Who was I talking about? Oh Megan. Well I heard from Ginny that she's one of the biggest sluts in Hufflepuff. She's apparently kissed all the boys in Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and is working on the Slytherins. She is so no good for my Ron. Oh. My. God. I called him my Ron. I am sooo smitten and he is sooo clueless. There is no hope at all. I need ice cream. I'm gonna go and find Harry. He seemed suspiciously happy to go and pig out on chocolate ice cream last time I was pissed off. I reckon he'll agree today as well. Honestly, he's almost a big a girl as me.  
  
September 29th  
  
Haven't found anything else about Harry's secret. Only started looking again as he mentioned it yesterday. He wants to tell us, I can tell.  
  
Oh Ron went to Quidditch try outs last night. He tried out for the Keeper position. He thinks he did really badly, but I saw him and he was the best there. But I'm biased. Harry's been in a bad mood because he can't play Quidditch. I would love to tell him that he shouldn't have yelled at Umbitch, but he'd just... I dunno. It's not worth the hassle.  
  
Lessons have been going well, Arithmancy is still my favourite subject I think. Or maybe Transfiguration. Yep Transfiguration. Animagus research is going well. Slowly but well. Extra lessons have been good too. We've been learning loads of extra stuff seen as Silverlake is such a shitty teacher. I am going to be so surprised if we don't all pass our OWLS with full marks. Well Defence and Charms at least.  
  
2nd October  
  
October already. Hogsmeade next weekend. Good thing too, I need to buy a new quill and I'm running out of parchment.  
  
OH!! Ron got on the Quidditch team. I am really proud of him, he was so pleased and he looked so cute...  
  
Big disaster. He's decided that he doesn't fancy Megan anymore. He likes Su Li, a Ravenclaw in our year. She's quite pretty, a bit smart for Ron's normal tastes. I think he's trying to either make me jealous (which is working I just don't show it) or he's just going through the entire year.  
  
Harry has decided he doesn't fancy Cho Chang any more. Good job I reckon because she was a whiner and the girlfriend of the boy who got killed in front of Harry last year. It was a complete disaster waiting to happen. So it was a very good job it never did. Don't think I could handle a Harry with a broken heart, like it would definitely be. Got too used to happy, perky Harry. He doesn't like any one specifically at the moment he says, so he's taken to flirting with everyone. And I mean everyone. Girls, guys, Professors, portraits and statues. I wonder if he's trying to subconsciously tell us something. I wonder if he's realised him self yet. Probably not. He's so adorably dense. I think he does like someone. But he doesn't want to tell. Secretive ass.  
  
Voldemort struck for the first time. It was a proper attack. 11 people died, all Muggles. We just heard it on the WWN. (Seamus brought his radio this year, and has installed it in the common room). He attacked a village called Little Hangleton and it was completely destroyed. The whole place is in flames and the Obliviators are still charming the Muggles who saw. Don't know what the significance of that village is though. Oh... Harry's just come down the stairs. He looks a bit shaky... and tired... and he looks like he's been crying. Back in a minute.  
  
He was taking a nap in their dorm. He saw it all. Not only does he feel when Voldemort is angry he sees the attacks. He's gone to Dumbledore. He didn't want us to come. I think he's shaken and needs some time to himself. Little Hangleton was where Tom Riddle lived. Voldemort when he was half- human. He attacked the people he grew up with, he... he might kill us. It never really registered. But he might kill us. Harry saw it all, felt all the emotions Voldemort and the Death Eaters (sounds like a cheesy band) felt when they were killing and torturing those poor Muggles. I need chocolate and meaningless chatter and gossip. I theatrical gasp am going to go and talk to Lavender and Parvati.  
  
4th October  
  
Stuff is back to normal now. Yesterday was rather sombre. Oh My God. First order of my meaningless chatter. The Ministry still denies that it was Voldemort. I can not believe them! How can they do this? The Dark Mark was there and everything. But no 'it's an imitation group'. My arse is it an imitation group! Harry got pissed at the Prophet, threw it in the pumpkin juice and stormed out the hall. Ron just rolled his eyes at him, shoved a roll in his mouth, picked up another, said 'Seeya in Potions Mione' then went to find him.  
  
I am going to mention the Defence group to Harry later. I think that after the attack he'll see the benefits of having like a little army at Hogwarts. I know I shouldn't be exploiting Harry when he's down but, hell if it gets him to agree I'm all for it. We really need this. And we really need Harry to lead it. It wouldn't work if it was me. It has to be Harry. He's the Boy Who Lived. He is a symbol of hope. No matter how much he hates it, people will gather behind him and fight with him. Which he seems determined to do.  
  
Ooh and Harry disappeared last night after his detention. He was in the common room for about ten minutes, he was muttering under his breath, scowling and mentioned Snape. Then he left. When he came back he was totally drained and had tear tracks down his face. Says he was 'around'. Like I said before. My arse was he around. He's hiding something else. So that's the Gryffindor thing, where he is after detention and who he fancies. One of these days we'll get it out of him, but at the moment we'll have to be patient.  
  
Oh I helped Ron and Harry with their Divination last night. They still used the good old fall back of 'lets make it all up' but I helped make up some that were half believable. For instance Harry is going to find a new love because of Saturn and Pluto aligning and Ron is going to have great fortune because Neptune is in fourth house And they still laugh at the Uranus joke. Boys. They never grow up, do they?  
  
A/N Ta da. Well that should answer some questions. Please review!! 


	5. Secrets

**Secrets**  
  
_7th October_  
  
I'm going to cry... actually last night I did cry. Harry told me everything last night. What he's been hiding. All of it. Are you ready for all of this.  
  
He's the heir of Gryffindor. I wrote that before, as one of my suggestions for what Harry's secret could be to do with. But one of the heirs only had a daughter and the name died with the father, and then it became the Potter line. It just all over came him at once. He broke down completely. I've never seen him like that before. I was so scared for him. I still am. I don't think I'm gonna get a decent nights sleep until Voldemort is gone. But there's a prophecy. It says that Harry will be the one. The heir of Gryffindor against the heir of Slytherin. That's why he was so pissed at Dumbledore. He never knew. He should have been told before. He would have had so much more time to prepare for the inevitable encounter. That's why he's been trying so hard recently in class. He wants to know everything so that he'll know anything that could help him. Oh and he agreed to do the club. I've been spreading it about, in secret of course.  
  
He also told me where he's been in the evenings. He's taking Occulumency lessons with Professor Snape. It's so he can't see the attacks while he's asleep. And so his scar doesn't hurt. He should be able to shut off Voldemorts presence in his mind eventually. I'm so glad he's taking these lessons. I couldn't bear it if he has to go through that torture every night. He's only 15. He has the responsibility of the world on his shoulders and won't let anyone else help him carry the burden. But that's gonna change. It has to. He can't cope all alone. Take last night. He's kept this to himself for two months. Longer than I expected he'd hold out he's worse at keeping secrets that Hagrid. But look what it did to him. He broke down completely. He's exhausted. So when he was done I told him to go to bed. I got him a cup of hot chocolate (that always helps and ice cream but I don't think he's quite that bad yet) and told him not to get up until he was totally fine again.  
  
He took this advice to heart and didn't get up until half past two. He slept for 16 hours. He must have been so tired. He's a bit better now, he's in a better mood, and he has been quite agreeable with the whole army thing. I have a list of people who will join us at the first meeting. We're holding it in the Room of Requirement, like our private lessons. We're still going to do them once a week, just the three of us, so we can learn new stuff. The weekly defence group will be teaching stuff like disarming and stunning to start with, we all need to have the very basics down to start with then we'll move onto curses and everything.  
  
First meeting tomorrow. Wish us luck!!  
  
_9th October  
_  
That went so well! So many people turned up. This is who came;  
  
Neville, Dean, Seamus, Parvati and Lavender. Fred, George, Katie, Angelina, Alicia and Lee. Ginny, Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, Megan Jones, Sally Anne Perks, Justin Filch Fletchley, Wayne Hopkins and Ernie Macmillan. All of our year Ravenclaws, Mandy, Su Li, Morag, Padma, Lisa, Terry, Michael, Kevin and Anthony. And then there were the people I didn't know. Needless to say it was a complete success. Harry was great. He really is a natural born leader. And a bit of a show off. Well not really, he is modest... but not so much. Ron hates it. Harry does take it a bit far. I know Ron only considers himself as "the sidekick" but he's not. He's a lot more than that.  
  
We just did an introduction really, we made everyone signed a cursed bit of parchment (not that they knew it was cursed of course), that if they betrayed us they'd get boils on their arses. We decided on a name. As much as Harry's fan club wanted Harry Potter's Army (I didn't know he had a fan club. Very, very scary) we decided on Defence Association. Would have been Dumbledore's Army but Harry's still pissed at him. Ron came up with it ... God I like him so much... anyway. We are meeting every Tuesday at 7 until 9.30. Monday is Gryffindor Quidditch practise, Wednesday Ravenclaw, Thursday Hufflepuff. Ron has chess club on Friday at 6, and after that we have our private meeting. Saturday is normally Hogsmeade and Sunday is homework day. Aren't we all nice and organised? Just how I like it.  
  
_10th October  
_  
It's raining, so Ron couldn't have Quidditch practise. Harry was in detention for a while, but Professor Silverlake (DADA) lets him out early. Reckon she's a bit in awe of him. He plays it up too. Honestly. I don't know whether it's better him ignoring he's Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, or totally taking advantage. Although the former is funnier – not that I'd ever admit that aloud, I'd just look at him speculatively and nod. And he's not even that bad, he could be worse. We all spent a night in the common room, it was surprisingly good fun, we should do it more often. Harry and Ron sat playing chess, Harry losing miserably as usual. I did my Charms homework which Harry had already done, and Ron wouldn't do until the night before it was due in. I helped a few of the First Years with some Potions homework, and chatted to a few of Ginny's friends. On the radio there were no reports of attacks, so everything was great. Crookshanks did terrorise everyone a bit, but it's normal for him. Harry and Ron especially think that I think that my cat can do no wrong. Believe me I know he can, but he's so cute and pretty I can't stay mad at him for long.  
  
_23rd October_  
  
Oh my God, I apologise for not writing recently, but we've been so busy. Our lessons have been going great – the private ones. Dumbledore knows. Don't know how really. Should think Snape saw it in Harry's Occulumency lessons and told him. But it doesn't matter, he doesn't mind really. Animagus is going great, we've got the spells and are brewing the potion back in our old haunt Moaning Myrtle's toilet.  
  
Quidditch for Ron is going great. Bless him, I love how his face lights up when he talks about it, and the team is going so well. He's Keeper, I wrote that right? Colin Creevy is Seeker instead of Harry, he's still on his nightly detentions, they stop for the new year apparently, and that's well, about half way through Quidditch season. Knowing Harry he'll get himself into loads more trouble and get himself more detention. He'll probably end up with consecutive detentions all year. Prat. Ron's not happy with him – Harry is a wicked Seeker. But Ron's as good as Wood was, so it makes up for it really. Sort of.  
  
Anyway, the DA. Going great. Harry and Ron are wicked at doing it. Was a bit surprised that Ron started to help so much, but he's good at it. Especially ... well all of it. He's just very good. Love really is blind isn't it? Not that I love him. I think it's not possible for someone my age to be in love. It's lust. But I think if there ever was a Ron and me it could end up as long. I hate how the girls are around here. Take Parvati for example. She's going out with one of the Ravenclaw 6th Years at the moment, Jonathan Baldwin. She's been with him for a month now. She decided she was in love with him two days after he asked her out. Completely ridiculous. I really don't see how girls and guys can act like that. My cousin Becky, she's a year older than me, had a boyfriend Lawrence, over the summer holidays (I went on holiday with her, my parents, Aunt and Uncle). He was so soppy, always phoning her, telling her he loved her. They'd only met twice! Completely ridiculous. She thought it was hilarious, she still hasn't said it back, and she won't until it's true. Good for her. She feels a bit guilty, but if she doesn't feel like that yet then she shouldn't say it.  
  
Anyway. The Prefects have been planning the Halloween feast. I never realised how much there was to do. This year the Gryffindor Prefects are in charge of the decorations. Obviously the Seventh Years are mostly in charge, but me and Ron are helping a lot.  
  
_30th October_  
  
Oh dear. Harry had a vision last night. It wasn't a really bad one – well compared to last time anyway. That one was horrible. He had the Cruciatus on him for a minute and a half. Last time it was three. I didn't write about that one either did I? It was three days ago. But this one, on the eve of his parents death, has put him one of the worst moods ever. People normally know to avoid him for a few days before and after cos he gets stressed, but he's been even worse this year.  
  
_31st October_  
  
Oh dear. He landed himself a months detention today (Harry of course, who else?), he punched and knocked out three Seventh Year Slytherins, who mentioned Voldemort. And broke the nose of a 6th Year Ravenclaw. He should have been suspended, but he was just given a lot of detention. They did deserve it, they were very horrible to him, and... oh I don't know. I managed to stop Ron, who arrived halfway through. He stopped the fight instead of joining in. I was actually very impressed with him. Oh he's so sweet... anyway Harry. It was outside Transfiguration, Harry was sitting against the wall staring into space, when a big group of people walked by. A few of the Slytherins stopped and started taunting him. He stood up and just... well... he went mental. And proceeded to land a lot of people in the hospital wing. What a prat. He needs to get some anger management classes going or something... maybe I should look into it for him... he wouldn't have to know... it can be our little secret.  
  
_2nd November_  
  
Oh God... my life is so screwed up. School isn't going too well Harry is doing better in three lessons than me. I haven't got a boyfriend, and have no prospects. Ron, I have decided is a hopeless case. He's never going to feel the same way about me. He's insensitive and a great lout. I see the looks Harry gives me – he knows how I feel about Ron, and I think he keeps dropping some hints to Ron. Fat lot of good that has done, hey? Sometimes, I think it would be easier just to either become a nun, or fancy Harry. I told him this, last night. He just laughed at me, kissed the top of my head, and goes, "Oh, Mione, you don't wanna fancy me. I'm even more fucked up than you." We fell asleep on the couch that night, (Ron had one of his Weasley nights), looking into the fire, just being there. I could never fancy Harry, I don't want to. It wouldn't work, and I'd lose him as a friend. I think when Harry falls for someone, they'll be the one, no matter how many people he has crushes on. Ron – I don't know about. He could fall instantly, without it being real, or just be a bachelor his entire life. Me... I don't know. I would love to say that I think I'm going to fall in to love at an early age, and marry and have children. But, hell, I'm realistic; it's very unlikely. I think I'll either end up being hurt or a spinster with lots of cats and books. I know Crookshanks needs the company, he is very anti-social. Takes after his mother doesn't he?

_**A/N -** Sorry to disappoint anyone, but this will **not** be **Harry/Hermione**. Never ever. Sorry. The future pairings are in the summary._ _**Please review**, I love writing this but there don't seem to be many people reading!_


	6. States of Conciousness

_**States of Consciousness**_

5th November

Oh dear. I'm sorry this is all smudged. Tears you know. Harry had a vision, a really, really bad one. He was just lying in bed, sleeping... when Voldemort tapped into his head or something. He attacked a Muggle block of flats in York. 306 people were killed or injured. Most of them were killed. Harry... he just started screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs – woke up all of Gryffindor Tower – he was screaming for about five minutes before anyone could get through the charms he puts on his bed. He was just lying there... all twisted in his bed sheets, sweating, his hair plastered to his forehead, and his scar was an angry red. He had sore, red scratch marks all over himself, where he hurt him self, especially his eyes and face. He tried to scratch his eyes out, and scratch his scar off his very head. The things he was seeing were that bad... he... oh God. I hope he's OK. He'll be OK. He has to be OK. He'll be OK. He's in the Hospital Wing at the minute, Dumbledore came and just swept him, up, he was still asleep, clutching his forehead. He just took him out the tower, ordered us to bed, and took him to the Hospital Wing. Me and Ron will go and see him as soon as we can in the morning. It's just now... I need to sleep.

6th November

Harry hasn't woken up yet. He... he's in some kind of magical coma. Noone really knows why he's in it, or how he's in it. It's something to do with Voldemort though (obviously). I think that maybe Voldemort sent a curse through their link... or it could just be all the stress Harry was under. I hope it was stress. Otherwise... he could send the Killing Curse... couldn't he?

Sirius and Remus have been told, but they're on a mission of some kind in Russia. Why I don't know, but they check in every day to see how he is if there's been any progress. Sirius seems terribly guilty. No idea why, but he is. I think that he thinks that he's already failed Harry enough in one lifetime, while he was in Azkaban, now he's injured when he's away, he blames himself. Total bollocks if you ask me. It's just like Harry blaming himself about Cedric, nothing either of them could have done about anything. Prats. No... have to be nice to Harry while he's in hospital. Well... have to be nicer in general really...

I don't know how Harry does it. He has the weight of the entire world on his shoulders, and he just takes it. There's nothing else he can do... well he could break down completely and become a recluse that lives in a cottage, in the country, with loads of snakes and no TV or phone. But Harry wouldn't do that. Actually I bet he'd like a snake. I couldn't do what Harry does. If I was in that situation I ... don't know. I couldn't do it. I don't think at the moment I'm a strong enough person to handle everyone's expectations of me. I couldn't be Harry.

Now I'm sitting here by his bed, with Ron. We're supposed to be at lunch, but I can't eat while Harry's just lying here. God he looks so young when he's asleep. So innocent and vulnerable. So not Harry. I miss him so much. Where has the cheeky, clever boy that was with us such a short time ago?

10th November

I haven't had the heart to write in my diary. Harry is still in the Hospital Wing, he only regained consciousness once, three days ago. But the same night he had another vision. It was just a single man being tortured this time – he awoke long enough to tell us that, but he felt everything. This man was tortured for hours and hours on end before he was allowed to die. And Harry felt every single blow, cut, punch, kick... and every Crucio.

The Ministry still hasn't acknowledged his return. How he can deny this, with what Harry ahs seen, the disappearances, and the fucking great Death Eater attack (minus Dark Mark – bloody cowards). If Harry were awake he'd send the Minister a Howler I think. Maybe I should do it for him. Ron and I haven't been able to concentrate in lessons properly. We're still researching the Animagus transformation, for when he wakes up and is better again. Ron is carrying on the DA lessons, well we both are. But it's not going... it's fricking crap without Harry. There was a Slytherin/Hufflepuff Quidditch match yesterday. Slytherin won, 180 – 30. Oh... God what's the point? My heart isn't in this... I'll write again when Harry is awake. I can't seem to write my worries down at the moment. I'll try again... but... well.

1st December

Harry woke up two hours ago, this time Dumbledore thinks it's for good. He had several more relapses since I last wrote, but in general he had been steadily getting better. It's just what he found out from his visions that has really scared us all, Dumbledore especially.

Apparently Voldemort is planning on resurrecting Salazar Slytherin to help him in his bid to 'take over the world'. Until last year I would have thought it was a stupid idea, with no hope of working. Seen as Voldemort was resurrected last year, my words mean crap all. Voldemort needs a book that was written by Salazar Slytherin to do it though, seen as Slytherins spirit isn't just floating around like his was. He needs the Dark Arts curse to pull his soul out of hell (literally), then he can use the same method as he used on himself to resurrect Slytherin, using his bones, which handily, noone knows where they're buried.

Now Dumbledore knows he can work it all out, and then use a potion to dissolve the bones, so he can't be resurrected. But this potion is legend in Slytherins book, which is missing in action. It really is a race to find this book really. Which is handily written in Parseltongue.

Oh Harry's asleep. It's different now though, it's just sleep, not the magical sleep he was in before. Oh, to stop his visions Snape has developed a potion to stop his visions. It's a mix between Dreamless Sleep Potion (which we're making next week) and the Vision Potion, which is used to stop the visions of Seers. It must have been ever so hard to make. Snape really is an excellent Potions Master – even if he appears to be a complete and utter bastard.

Ron has been handling Harry's unconsciousness very well. If I'm honest, better than I have been. He's been very good about all the time we've been in the Hospital Wing and in the Library researching this. Not that we found much. Curse scars connected to Dark Lords aren't particularly common. Anyway, Ron. He and I have been doing the DA lessons. He hasn't been trying to fill Harry's shoes, but he is very good at leading. I have to say, not as good as Harry was, but still very good. But, he has had a few strange dreams. Wouldn't tell me what they were about, but I heard Seamus and Dean laughing about Ron, and being made to do... something. Ah well. Harry will find out, and he'll tell me. Hopefully. Can never have enough blackmail material I reckon.

2nd December

Harry is being let out in four days. As far as I know, nothing has been found out about this book of Slytherins. I have had a brief look in the Library for it, but it seems to be a Dark Arts book, there won't be anything about it in normal books. I may have to borrow Harry's Invisibility Cloak, just to take a quick peek.

6th December

Harry is out of the Hospital Wing. He's terribly behind in all his classes, he's got to have extra lessons during the holidays so he can catch up entirely. He's still very weak as well, he gets very tired. At least now he can sleep without worrying that he might be seeing one of Voldemorts Death Eater meetings. Oh, that has me wondering. Is Snape still a spy? I mean he was in the First War, but he never returned on the night of the resurrection did he? Oh. I suppose he could be. I really hope he's not. I know from Harry just exactly how dangerous it can be. I may not like Snape much, but he's an excellent Potions Master. I don't want him dead. I (secretly) love it when he yells at Harry and Ron. It's terribly funny. Oh God, I'm such a bitch. (My 'be-nice-to-Harry' thing isn't going too well. But I suppose he's fully conscious this time, it's a little, tiny, weeny bit better.) Even though I just sit there and tell them not to call him 'Snape' and not to insult him. He's very witty and sarcastic. But he's still a bastard.

Asked Harry. Snape is a spy again. I honestly don't know what to say to that. I just hope he's OK.

7th December

I got a letter from my Mum and Dad today. My cousin, Erica is pregnant!! I've only got three cousins. Erica, who is 24, and engaged, Jack, her brother who is 20, and at university, studying medicine, and then my little cousin Ellie, who is 11. Erica is apparently really pleased, so I'm pleased for her. It's just... she's so young.

It's got me thinking. I... I honestly don't know if I want kids. There's obviously labour, do I want to put my body through that? Women's bodies never recover, and well, mine isn't great now, so I don't know if I want to fuck it up anymore. Or will that not matter to me, if I get a maternal urge? I mean, when I think about it, really, properly, I'm really not sure, obviously women have thought this before and gone onto have kids, or the human race would have died out years ago. I mean how do you decide who the one is, that you want to have a kid by? Do you just know, or do you not have a choice, is it an obligation, or will, one day, I just feel propelled to have a baby? Do I want to pass on my genes?

But obviously, I can see the good side of it too. Your own flesh and blood, someone there to look after you. If I did have a family, how would I know where to stop? I'm an only child, and look at Ron, there's millions of Weasleys. Mrs Weasley, obviously, never wanted to stop.

I just asked Harry. He's sitting in the corner, looks like he's in a bit of a daze or a day dream... that boy has thousands of states of consciousness... he's doing something, or is supposed to be, nothing strenuous mind you, he's still really weak, I think he's revising for Potions tomorrow, but it's Harry... who knows? Too complicated to find out what exactly. He's a confusing, strange boy and very, very vague (I think he likes the air of mystery surrounding him. Like I said, strange boy), it's easier to just let him get on with it, he'll tell me anything he needs or wants to.

"Harry... do you ever want kids?"

Shuffles uncomfortably

"Dunno... never really thought about kids specifically (what has he been thinking about, hmm?)... why?"

"I was just thinking..."

"Er... I dunno. I'd like a family... but honestly... I just wanna live to my next birthday," Lowers eyes than looks up, "Why you offering?"

Smack Harry around the back of the head, then kiss his cheek

Then I wandered back over here. There's something about Harry. I think that I am figuring something out... I think...

_**A/N -** Thank you to my... three, four reviewers... hmmm... anyway, I love writing this there will be more updates soon. Check my livejoural. Please Review!_


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